A Short High and a Long Low

Alcoholism, Addiction, and God's Loving Grace

I am an alcoholic. I have not had a drink since Feb 4, 2019, yet it’s been on my mind lately. I've been trying to help someone who is going through some of those same battles.

It has been awhile since I really looked back from a sober mind and saw who I really was. Stumbling around in a fog. It is remarkable how the demons in the alcohol can twist your mind. How they make you see a different reality.

Thing is when you’re an alcoholic or an addict, you’re living your life surrounded by an evil fog, even a darkness. The devil’s trick isn’t the fog itself. The drugs and alcohol create that. Rather Satan works in illusions that influence you to believe you can see clearly. He feeds into your self-rationalizing and excuse making. He helps you to explain away your failures and regrets instead of facing them.

To put it simply, you cannot see the fog. You don’t know that you’re in it. I can look back now and see how it surrounded me. People were screaming truth to me and I couldn’t hear it. Sometimes people offered me love but I saw it as judgement. How differently I treated the people who loved me. How I looked for fights. How I created problems then ran away from those problems.

I remember those days. At my worst I just stayed drunk for all of my waking hours. You didn’t see me sober. That guy didn’t exist anymore. All that was left was this new callous and unforgiving man. Quick to anger and slow to love, I was not myself.

It reminds me how my mother used to tell me that when my father wasn’t drinking, he was the nicest guy. I never met him. My mother rescued my twin brother and I from his influence when we were 2. Somehow I was still becoming him, and he was a failure who spent most of his life in prison.

I believe I may have been at my worst back in 2014. Here is a condensed day in the life of an alcoholic. My alarm goes off and I jump up. It’s 3:30am and I’m in the kitchen chugging from an upside-down bottle of Bacardi until I choke on it. Usually I could get 5 or 6 big gulps down before I gagged. It felt safer to drink that early. Everyone was in their deep sleeps and I wouldn’t be asked why. Why I was drinking myself to death. I hated the man I was but changing him seemed so impossible. I felt like this was just my path and I had no choice anymore.

What you don’t change, you choose.

How could I ever have expected to be successful at anything when I started my day like that? I gagged and fought to hold the alcohol down even when my stomach was screaming to expel it. Once I beat my stomach into submission again it was time to brush my teeth and get ready for work.

No breakfast, it sucks up the alcohol.

Soon I was out the door with a strong buzz and my special mix of coffee and Rum. About 50/50 mix. The taste was horrible, but that wasn’t the point anymore. Enjoying it was something I stopped doing years ago.

I worked as a project manager in an office setting. Driving into work, I got there before anyone else, (I had a key to the office), so I could drink a bit and try to catch up on some work. Usually I ended up turning up my speakers and enjoying the last few minutes until the sober people began to trickle into the office.

I would muddle through my work with a constant buzz. I thought it helped me be more outgoing and likeable. I was just watching the clock.

I couldn’t wait for lunchtime so I could drive to a nearby shopping center and eat my lunch in private. There I could mix up a drink and take a few hits from the bowl. No one would be able to judge me. Some of the other people would go to lunch together or sit together at the lunch table in the office. I had no interest in that. I couldn’t drink in front of them so the people took a back seat to my alcohol.

I was hiding. Eventually we are only hiding from our shame. Once we have committed to the life of an addict or alcoholic. We let go of everything else. Our eyes often grow cold and our hearts harden.

I was hiding from God. He was the only one who knew the truth. The only one who could see into my heart.

After work I’d pull the bottle out from under my drivers’ seat and have a few on the way home. That way, when I drank at home later it wouldn’t seem so excessive since I walked in the door with a good buzz already. Just had to hide it.

I always had an excuse. My chest is tight, my shoulders feel heavy, my back hurts, work was hard today.

Make a drink, couple doubles in one glass and I’m off to the shower. Alcohol before anything else.

Floating in a fog of faux euphoria. The alcohol helped me to cope with the problems yesterday’s alcohol created. When I say cope, I mean ignore.

It only got worse from there. At this point I have been drunk since those liquid breakfast shots. Drunk all day. Why stop now? I pour another drink. It isn’t even dinnertime yet. My thinking was that if I get some alcohol in me on an empty stomach the alcohol will be stronger. Minimizing my shame.

I always assumed alcohol would kill me. Now I worry that it will kill part of me. We shared the womb, shared memories all our lives. First days of school to the last we did them all together. We never had to walk alone. Always had a best friend. The story is different when we become men. Life quickly gets in the way. The problems we suffer and the coping methods we use change us. Good or bad. The love remains.

The crimes of our father all set to burden the sons yet we never even knew him. The only thing he gave me was a problem. It was just something I accepted. Like my story was already written. I was doomed to the same fate of my father.

We control our own futures, but the alcohol makes us believe we no longer do.

We can try, but we will fail.

We can’t imagine going through an hour without being able to hide in our addictions. Let alone a day, or *(gulp) the rest of our lives?!?!

I managed to break the cycle. I ended the curse in my bloodline. At least I hope I did. I do not want my children to pay for the sins of their father. I want to give them more than problems. I want to give them solutions.

It is not easy to quit. I know. I’ve been on both sides of this coin. Rehab, groups, AA, all did nothing for me. I tried many times and always failed. Eventually I realized I could no longer do it alone. I was at my absolute rock bottom. Helpless and feeling like nothing but a huge burden on my wife and family. The devil gets you thinking that way, the alcohol helps keep you there.

In the end all I had to do was ask God. I had to admit I couldn’t do it alone and that I needed His help. He lifted this burden from me and with that He gave me an even greater gift. He removed ALL doubt of His existence and His love for us. I experienced a miracle that night. He changed me in one instant.

No withdraw, no sweats, no tremors, no cravings, no delirium tremens, no anxiety, no insomnia. Not even a headache. My gracious God lifted it all from me in one instant.

Now that I am here, I much prefer the sober side. I can look back and see so clearly the fog that surrounded me. I had no idea. Those within it cannot be told about it. They must be helped through it. They will see it on their own when their mind is clear and their vision is no longer obstructed.

The fog hides the real truth until our drinking creates a new truth. One we rarely like. Usually it comes with new regrets that we cannot blame on anyone but ourselves. Yet we will place blame anywhere but at our own feet. The very idea used to make me angry. But I wasn’t angry, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with guilt, pain, a poor self-image, no longer confident.

I was not only poisoning my body, which I acknowledged and accepted. I was poisoning my relationships. I was poisoning my future, my kids, my business, my credibility. I refused to see those things, or more accurately, I couldn’t see them.

Even if I could, it was too painful to face them, so I ran to the bottle.

It was a constant torment. A constant burden. Life was hard enough, why add weight?

I wasn’t adding weight. At least not in my own mind. Because I thought by drinking and drugging that I was lightening the stress, but that is the trick. It actually creates more stress.

It has been awhile since I put any real thought into it. It was interesting to me how now I can look back and see the fog I was stumbling around in. It is clear to me now the way that alcohol twists your mind. Truly demonic.

You can’t live without them but at the same time you force them to watch you killing yourself.

That is the problem with alcohol. It’s so twisted

.

Your demons convince you they are on your side. They claim they are fighting for your mental health. In reality they are tearing your mind and body apart like gremlins.

When we finally quit, we can do it different ways. We can simply deny ourselves and struggle with white knuckles and that sick feeling. Mourning our demons and eventually rationalizing them as not so bad. Maybe even controllable. This method rarely works and when it does it is quite painful to watch someone do it this way.

We need something to help us cope in those moments when we run to the bottle.

We can educate ourselves and commit to the idea that we simply suffer from a disease. It isn’t our fault. Well, I call B.S. on that one. This is simply a way to remove the blame temporarily from us so we can get “better”. So that we can get some distance between us and the alcohol. Shielding us until we are “ready” to turn around and face our problems from what we are told is a “stronger place”. But if we commit to believing we simply have a disease. Well that removes all accountability from the addict. Eventually they will have a built-in excuse why they couldn’t stop themselves. Why the ran back to the alcohol or drugs.” It is a disease.” That will be the same reason or excuse they use when they go back out again and start using. “It is a disease.”

“I am a victim; I can’t help it.”

I never accepted that idea even when I was sitting in rehab.

Addicts are taught that they are the victims. Not all the people in their lives that they have damaged and abused with their selfish and broken behavior.

Eventually when you quit you will begin to see more clearly as you get further away from the alcohol and become free of its burden and guilt. As you begin to respect and even like yourself again, so will you begin to respect and love those around you. Things you used to get mad about will no longer bother you.

Your opinions of your spouse, your parents, and your children will improve. Relationships you thought were dead will grow once again.

Don’t burn bridges and create new regrets to face when you are better.

It is so easy to throw away relationships when we are in the fog. So easy to sacrifice your integrity. Inhibitions and judgement fade.

How many bad choices? How many regrets have they lead me to? Too many. Regrets that I still carry with me to this day. The people I need to make amends to are long gone and there is nothing left for me to do but to sit with my regrets. I will carry them to my grave. Unneeded weight that slows us down and steals away our joy.

When we let the devil in, he won’t leave on his own. You have to push him out and lock the door. When we do understand he will linger outside and find a way back in if you give him any chance. Any crack in your armor will allow him access to your thoughts. Influencing and suggesting old ideas that only end in despair.

We think our demons help us to breathe, but in reality, they are standing on our chest looking down and laughing. Our perception gets twisted over the years by the devil. He disguises his tools that destroy us as helpful to us. Just a little Novocain. A little relief. He puts the temptation in front of us. He promises us all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor.

Yet we are already members of another Kingdom. God’s kingdom provides a place to run from the devil and his temptations.

The drugs, the alcohol, the devil. None of them have power over us. Only the power that we give them. They fool us to eventually hating ourselves. And worse yet, seeing ourselves as irredeemable. Once we get there. Once we hit the bottom and linger there. We give up on redemption and are simply waiting for death and the hell that awaits us. We don’t feel worthy of redemption.

Our only real hope then is God’s grace. Mercy and favor given without deserving it. Yet we have to ask. When we do, we have to mean it.

I hit that place. I never felt so alone, but I wanted to be. Laying on the floor clutching a gun and a Bible. I let go of the end and embraced a new beginning that was offered to me by God Himself. He will do the same for you. You only need to do 3 things. Ask, listen, and believe.

We are all redeemable. I think back to the hopelessness that I felt so often. I hated myself and felt that I was pinned under my demons who were slowly eating away at my soul. Like an assassin bug they were paralyzing me and sucking away my will to live. God brushed them away and lifted me back up. He heard my cries for help that came from the deepest parts of my soul. He banished my demons to a cage and gave me the key. It is up to me now whether I drink or whether I don’t. It is up to me to unlock their cage or leave it locked forever.

I know because God told me, if I ever open that cage, I will never be able to lock it again. He will remove His hedge of protection from around me. I may be able to fight off the demons for the rest of my life, but then I’ll have to fight for the rest of my life. God has provided me a peace that I do not deserve. That is why they call it grace.

I don’t have to fight anymore. The cage is locked and the demons are silent. Their voices have been muted. Their influence has been reduced to a few bad memories. If that cage ever unlocks, I don’t know where my story will end but I know where my soul will rest.

My mother, my biggest cheerleader, is at the end of her life. Watching her helplessly wither away for years. Suffering embarrassment and loneliness has taken a serious toll on all of us kids. We all run to something to cope with this sad journey we are on together. I imagine they wonder if I will fall back to a drink. When that moment comes that my mother steps through those heavenly gates will I unlock that cage?

No. I won’t. That cage is going to stay locked forever. It would be tragic for me to use the death of my mother, who asked and prayed that I would quit drinking for many years, as an excuse to let those demons out of that cage while at the same time locking myself inside it once again.

I have ended the cycle and I can help others do the same. There is no easy way out. We must fight, and we cannot do it alone. Without God, we may win some battles but the war is often lost. Even if it is won, the struggle that goes into it, is its own cage. I prefer God’s way. He did the heavy lifting and then handed me the key.

I have been blessed with knowing what it is like to live at the bottom but receive redemption through God’s grace. I have experienced the hopelessness of addiction. The soul crushing helplessness you feel when you don’t want to, but you turn the bottle upside down anyways.

I can look back and see myself standing in that alcoholic fog. I can see how it affected me. How it made me feel, and how there never seemed to be a way out. That is the illusion the devil creates. Decline. Despair. Destruction. Desperation. Death.

That is all the demons offer. A quick high, and a long low. Temporary illusion of relief that cuts deep, creates permanent scars and crushing regret.

I am covered in scars. I wear them proudly. I am a survivor and you can be too. I broke the cycle and you can too. God locked away my demons and provided me the key. He will do the same for you.

All I have to do is maintain. I don’t have to fight. I don’t have to suffer or feel that backbreaking hopelessness anymore. I must simply just do one thing.

Never open that cage. Even when the demons inside look so small and harmless. Nothing like the scary menacing giants that they used to be. When I try to understand why the cage seems so big, I remember that it used to be full. Demons shrink but they don’t die.

I will never forget the hell I went through. I want to help others to overcome their demons. Which is troubling because I cannot lock away anyone’s demons for them. I can only be there to provide advice or support to those still working their way through the fog. I’ll help as best I can, but without God’s grace, any break in the fog is often temporary.

If you’re struggling with alcohol or addiction, wipe away the illusions and see what is real. If I can help I will.

Let us love each other. Let us speak truth, but with compassion and understanding to one another. In love.